There are many ways in which a person may define a relationship. There are many types of relationships. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines a relationship as:
A state of affairs existing between those having interactions or dealings
One thing that people often forget to consider is that within any relationship involving two people, there are actually three relationships at work. There is the interaction between the two parties, but there is also the interactions between each party within themselves. To add some illustration, I have come up with the following formula:
He with her + Her with herself + He with himself = Relationship
The previous analogy that I used to describe relationships was that we are all kids playing in a big sandbox with Lego’s. Our lives are the blocks (Lego’s) with which our relationships are built. We have the ability to create any life we want, and have it be complete and satisfying all by itself. In order to obtain something greater than that which we can create ourselves, we build relationships with those around us by sharing our Lego’s. The sum of those Lego’s together is what generates a functional relationship.
So what happens when we don’t have the blocks necessary to build something on our own? If you apply the lack of blocks in a mathematical formula to match the one above, you will be left with an incomplete equation. One that must be solved for X before the relationship (read: equation) works.
He with her + Her with herself + X = Relationship
But even the equation above doesn’t really depict the entirety of the equation. It is much more complex than what is indicated above. Obviously, the sum is affected by the incomplete “he with himself” part of the equation. Because that part of the equation isn’t available, the “he with her” part of the equation is also affected.
Now this is where I am going to piss some people off. I’m sure of it. With the demonstration above as proof, I say that we are our own worst enemy within any relationship. Even relationships in which we are a legitimate victim.
I understand that people who stay in abusive relationships do so because it is a situation in which they feel the most comfortable. That’s not to say that they enjoy the situation or that they deserve any kind of abuse. I am simply saying that, for whatever reason, it is too terrifying to step outside of their comfort zone to remove themselves from a situation that they certainly don’t deserve. They would rather continue to suffer the abuse than to risk something which might be worse.
Now forget the rest of the equation for a moment and focus on the “he with himself” and “her with herself” part of things. To put it even more broadly, “we with ourselves”. That is the focus of this post. Each individual and the relationship that we each have with ourselves. It is the only relationship in our lives that allows us to have 100% control of the outcome of any situation. You can apply any circumstance or situation for the sum of the equation.
Me + myself = Career, or Me + myself = personal life (just to name a couple)
The more focus we put on nurturing the relationship with ourselves, the greater the sum of our lives will be. The more Lego blocks we will have, all to ourselves, with which to build whatever we desire. The more we neglect the relationship with ourselves, we will find that things just don’t add up as we wish.
Below is my Top 15 list of questions that can be modified to fit any situation. Answer these questions, and you will find the tools required to perform the maintenance on the relationship with yourself to keep things running in prime condition. The more work you do on this relationship, the bigger your sum will be.
- What is it that you love to do?
- What do you feel that you were born to do?
- What do you do best?
- What can you do well, with little effort?
- In what areas are you naturally strong?
- What would motivate you to tap into those strengths more often?
- What skills can help you get to where you want to be in the future?
- What is something at which you always wanted to be extraordinary?
- When you die, what is something about which you will feel better knowing you have accomplished?
- What would you like to do more of in your life?
- What is about what you already have that is not satisfying?
- What motivators are missing?
- What makes you smile?
- In the areas of your life with which you are satisfied, what has helped you accomplish that satisfaction?
- Who would you be if you had nothing to prove?
The love that we show ourselves by constantly working on that relationship to obtain our desired results is the single most important aspect of any relationship with another person. The most functional relationships consist of two individuals who are complete and satisfied by themselves who have chosen to share their lives (Lego blocks) with one another to build something bigger. Any dissatisfaction in the relationship with ourselves will affect our relationships with others.