His and Her Two Cents on Dating and Relationships: Looking For Love in All the Wrong Places

We all know someone, a good friend or family member who chooses the wrong partner over and over again. From a distance we can see it unfold, but they seem to have a blind spot in their own patterns. We also know people who have relationships and can’t understand why they would choose that person. Some have relationship after relationship in which they choose the same partner with a different name and some choose someone who is a direct contradiction to their values. Why so many people settle for a partner who does not meet their needs? Why do women tend to sacrifice what they want and need in relationships? Why are they afraid to speak up and ask their partners for what they need? Why do men appear uncaring and disrespectful? Why do both men and women create the same patterns over and over?

1. Archaic Gender Roles

She says…

He says…

In tradition passed down from generation to generation, a “good” wife/girlfriend/daughter did whatever the man in her life asked or expected of her. While this has softened over the years, I think many women still hold on to some of these core beliefs. Many women feel like they are nothing without the approval of a man in their life. Sometimes, that means that they will settle for treatment that they do not deserve. They will allow someone to disrespect them out of a sense of duty or obligation. It also means that they will settle for a man who does not meet their ideas of a suitable partner and any man will do. This also means that they will shape themselves to be whatever that man wants to gain acceptance and hold his attention. How many of you know or have been the girl who changes who they are to be with someone? You may change the way you dress or behave. You may give up hobbies or music you like to impress someone or fit more easily into their lives.

Men are just as guilty of this destructive behavior as women. In addition, they continue to promote the archaic gender role financially. Even with the increase in successful women in the workplace, society as a whole is still promotes men as the bread winners, regardless of any success a woman may have. It goes beyond social conditioning though, which is the most difficult aspect to overcome. There is scientific evidence that supports that it is part of our genetic makeup that men should be the providers and women the caregivers, but we also perpetuate the cycle by socialization. There seems to be a never ending cycle of women wanting a bread-winner on whom they can be dependent, but then feel frustrated when they are not treated as an equal. Men, on the other hand, feel pressured to be the bread-winners, then tire of the pressure of constant dependency. This creates a cycle of disrespect. A review of dating profiles proves that even successful women want a man who makes more than they do.

 2. Low Self-Esteem

She says…

We are all shaped by our experiences. Many women never learn to develop a sense of self worth outside of the approval of those around them. As children, we can be told directly or indirectly that our worth is based on how we behave or the extent we sacrifice for others. Even well meaning parents reinforce messages that damage self-esteem. How many of you were a “good girl” when you put everyone else’s needs before your own or shut your mouth to keep the peace? The media also plays a part in this because we are bombarded with messages telling us that we would be happy, beautiful or more successful if we only bought their products or looked like the women in their magazines. We begin to believe that we are not enough. With low self-esteem, we unintentionally attract people who will exploit this. Like a predator senses prey, people who want to control or manipulate us can sense our low self-esteem. By becoming involved with people who do exploit our vulnerabilities, it continues to deplete our self-worth further.

He says…

Again, social conditioning is a huge part of the issues in relationships between men and women. As children, men are also taught that they can only be accepted if they display a disproportionate amount of machismo by failing to acknowledge or display emotions outside of anger and use sexual conquests as a badge of honor. A man’s ego takes a hit when he (at a young age) dares to show his softer side. As men get older, the term “whipped” comes into play if a man shows any care or concern for his partner. Add to that the “bad boy” complex that seems to be a never ending fantasy for both genders to fulfill. The collective result is that men suffer from esteem issues, just as do women and feel the need to overcompensate by building a façade to protect their emotions. To the outside world, this can look like an uncaring man who is only out to satisfy his own needs with little regard for how he affects others.

3. Daddy Issues

She says…

It is cliché, but it can definitely be true. Women who do not have healthy attachments with a male figure as they grow up, tend to have difficulties in relationships with men throughout their lives. When we don’t form secure attachments as we grow up, we do not “complete” certain stages of development and we have insecurity in our attachments in our subsequent relationships. From infancy, we work through stages of development. If we have caregivers who are emotionally unavailable or rejecting, we will likely struggle with attaching to people in the future due to trust issues. We also subconsciously try to “complete” this developmental stage which is why we tend to have patterns in the partners we choose for relationships. Just like when we learn to walk, we fall down and keep trying over and over again until we master the task.

He says…

Believe it or not, men have daddy issues almost as much as women. It goes back to the genetic coding within every human being. Even those who fight against it still display remnants of something that is a core part of the human makeup. Dads teach their sons to be “tough” and to avoid crying. Sadly, mommy issues develop from there as well. Traditionally, dad goes off to work all day at a job that he dislikes for one reason or other while mom stays home for any number of reasons. Dad develops a sense of entitlement to do as he pleases since he takes care of his family. In today’s generation, there seems to be an increasing lack of commitment. This is also evidenced by the number of times adults change career paths or employers or the alarming divorce rate. The self-help industry has boomed, resulting in halfhearted attempts to fix oneself, giving people a sense of entitlement and impulsivity. “Since I’m not getting what I deserve, I’m moving on.” There is little in the way of people taking the time to learn how to set the expectations for what they deserve and owning the responsibility to follow through with those expectations. One chance and done has become the standard.

 When women struggle with these issues, she will likely put in all of the effort in the relationship and allow her partner to get away with little, if any, reciprocity. She will tend to do things they don’t want to do like get involved physically too soon or overextend herself to her own detriment. She will feel undervalued and unappreciated, but not feel confident enough to ask for what she wants and deserves. When men struggle with this, they tend to do only what they must to keep their woman off their backs, feel the need to “conquer” to prove their manhood and their desire for their woman, and repress their emotions.

 By building self-esteem and establishing boundaries, we will find appropriate partners that are willing and able to treat us the way we deserve to be treated. Like most people, most relationships are incomplete, like an algebraic equation, where one must solve for “X”. In these relationships, there is more than variable which must be solved, ultimately making the equation impossible unless both people work through their own issues to identify and change these dysfunctional core beliefs. When we are complete and healthy people, we choose partners who are a compliment to our lives instead of choosing someone to fill a void. If we are healthy mentally and emotionally, we will attract people who are as well. Only when we are able to effectively address these issues and focus on what we want and need, we are able to cultivate healthy and satisfying relationships.

Written by Michelle Lewis, LCSW and Jeremy Cid, CPC, CRC of Always Opening Doors. © 2012. All rights reserved.

Out of Kilter

Read this and just had to share.
“We don’t need to change as much about ourselves as we think we do to find someone special. It’s about finding a match, not finding someone perfect, and vice versa. “
This sums it up very nicely. You should never lose the essence of who you are in a relationship. Take the blocks that you have used to create your own life and find someone with whom you can share those blocks and make something even better.

Laughing cow in France

This post was written by my dear blogger friend SD, from Four is a family.
 
It got me thinking about Mr Nice -why, yes, I know, what a surprise-, and the idea of what was, or wasn’t meant to be. I have been regularly torturing myself with the notion that if I’d done this, or not said that, perhaps, we would have stood a better chance. Of course, the idea that it wasn’t meant to be is so much more comfortable than the feeling I have somehow failed.
 
Relationships are tricky things for most of us.
 
It would be lovely if the early ‘honeymoon’ period of a relationship could last forever. None of the warning signs would lead to actual problems. Our past wouldn’t catch up with us. Real-world problems wouldn’t intrude on the bliss. Storm clouds would stay on the distant horizon. Our kids wouldn’t…

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Train Your Partner

In my previous post Why Do We Argue?, I explored the very basics of why people argue. To summarize briefly, it is because we all have our own set of experiences from which our core values and our views of the world are created. Because of that, we also each have our own way by which we feel and show love. I mentioned before that I love “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. Other influential books that I have read are “How to win friends and influence people” by Dale Carnegie and “Why Men Love Bitches” by Shari Argov.

It was the combination of these three books that helped me write the third in my series of couples events, which is a lecture series that allows couples to interact with one another and other attendees while they learn how to improve their own relationships. As a quick aside, the thing I love most about being a relationship coach is how the focus of coaching isn’t to understand the “why’s” of the things that are happening. That requires too much focus on the past. While it is beneficial in specific cases, for couples looking to improve the level of fulfillment in their relationships, looking at the present and how to move forward is much more productive. That is what coaching is all about – looking at the present and at what needs to change in the future to meet your vision of a happy life.

To attain that satisfaction in your relationships – ANY relationship – we are each responsible for educating those with whom we are interacting of what we desire in the relationship to find that fulfillment. In other words, we have to train them. Some people get offended at the mention of being trained. I, for one, happen to like the idea of being trained. Maybe it’s because of my military background. Or perhaps it’s because of my seemingly insatiable thirst for knowledge. Whatever the case, I enjoy being educated, especially when it comes to the woman I love.

Men can be dogs, so train us like one.

Men are often stereotyped as being dogs. I agree with this stereotype, so I will use the comparison to explain how you can train your partner to reach a higher level of satisfaction in the relationship, and how your partner can train you.

A dog, by nature, is not inclined to sit and shake your hand on command. In most cases, the dogs are taught how to do so through positive reinforcement and repetition. You tell Sparky to “sit” while you are pushing his hindquarters down. You do this, each time giving him praise when he stays sitting and reward him with a treat. After a few more times, Sparky has learned that when you say “sit”, you want him to put his butt on the ground with his forepaws extended downward, putting himself in a sitting position. When he does that, you make all this fuss and give him some Yummy-Goodness of the type that will put a smile on your doggie’s snout.

You managed to teach a member of your family the behavior you want him to display in specific situations. Men and women can be trained the same way. It requires time and a lot of effort, but the results it will yield are well worth it. It is hard, at times, to ignore less than desirable behavior. Like a dog taking a poop in the middle of your living room floor, some negative behavior has to be addressed. But also like Sparky dropping his load onto your floor, it has to be done at the time of the incident. Otherwise, the lesson is lost and he (read: we) will not fully comprehend what was done wrong. But the next time Sparky goes potty outside, clap your hands, give him a lot of lovin’ and maybe even a little doggie treat.

I don’t need to provide a detailed list of incentives to get your partner to display the desired actions. Use your imagination, based on what you know (or learn) about what motivates them. Dogs are motivated by attention and treats. A man may be motivated by a new sexy lingerie, where as a woman may be motivated by flowers delivered to her office once a month. That brings me to one more crucial point. This technique only works if both people have the desire to please the other person. As heartbreaking as it might be, if your partner does not show any indication of doing what it takes to show you the behavior you need for fulfillment, it may be time to consider finding a partner who does have that desire. You can only train a dog, or human, who has the desire to be trained. But the responsibility is yours and yours alone to let your partner, friend, colleague or whomever what it is that you want and need. If you have a hard time answering that question, begin by asking yourself what makes you smile. If that doesn’t start providing some answers, take the love language test in Mr. Chapman’s book to give you some ideas.

Is Your Relationship Working?

Keep a daily tally of both positive and negative occurrences.

One of the most common questions that people ask when they are entering or are about to enter a long term, committed relationship is, “How do I know it will work?” At some point, every couple with whom I have worked has asked this question, or some variation of it. Well, at least one of the people involved would ask. In the spirit of full disclosure, that used to be me. The short answer to that question is, YOU DON’T!

The reality that most people don’t want to hear is that there is no way of predicting how one will feel tomorrow, let alone 20 years down the road. “I will ALWAYS love you” is a sweet sentiment and in truth, is an exclamation that can be made without running the risk of giving false hope – if the statement is taking literally and without assumption. “I will always love you”, does not mean “I will always be with you.” What it means is that, for what ever reason, there is something between the two of you that holds significant value to the proprietor of that statement. A value that will never diminish in his or her eyes. While there is no way to guarantee the outcome of the relationship, that value is something that can be used to determine if the relationship is working for you right now.

To sum it up, you need to see more positive than you do negative within the relationship. In other words:

NET POSITIVE > NET NEGATIVE

Unfortunately, it’s not as simple as it may seem. Reason being that each person holds a different point system for the values that mean the most to them. You can refer to the article on core values by reading an article on arguing. It’s not enough to make a pros and cons list and simply list the things about your relationship into their respective category. This is a part of it, but first, you have to sit down and assign a point value to the issues in your relationship, be them positive or negative. For example, I firmly believe in the love language philosophy. Simply put, the book by Gary Chapman explains that every person has their own language which depicts the manner in which they give and receive love. For me, physical contact and terms of endearment are my top two languages. These are the most common ways that I express that I love someone and the best way for me to feel loved by someone. Therefore, I place a higher value on these occurrences within my relationship than someone who likes to give and receive gifts as one of their primary languages.

To help determine if the current status of the relationship works for me, I use a five point scale, ranging from (+2) – (-2). It is easy for me to sit back and think about the daily interactions that I have in my current relationship. Actually, my girlfriend makes it pretty easy for me because we happen to speak the same two languages. She is never shy with telling me how much she loves me and she is not stingy with walking up and giving me a hug and kiss for no reason at all. I’m a lucky guy! But getting back to the point, I realize that most couples do not speak the same language. More importantly, even if they do, it is a scientific fact that negative occurrences far outweigh positive occurrences. It takes (on average) five positive occurrences to equal one negative occurrence. Looking at things in an objective manner is difficult for anyone to do.

The suggestion I give is to carry a pocket sized notebook with you at all times. Write down each occurrence with your partner and tally the results at the end of the week. By occurrence, I am saying refer to the list that you make yourself of the things that hold the most and least value to you. Below is a sample list of positive and negative occurrences.

POSITIVE

  • Tells me she loves me – +2

  • Physical contact – +2

  • Gifts – +1

  • Honesty – +2

  • Spend time together – +2

  • Wants Kids +1

NEGATIVE

  • Lies -2

  • More time at work -1

  • More time with friends -1

  • Abusive (any kind) -2

  • Cleanliness -1

NEUTRAL

  • Politics -0

  • Religion -0

  • Similar family structure -0

Notice how some of the list is generalized and won’t change, (eg Wants Kids). Others are ever changing and the number of occurrences can greatly impact the results. This list is just an example of some things that can go toward your own list of the overall determination if the relationship is working for you. For the sake of the exercise, keep track of things that can fluctuate, such as physical contact. You can be as detailed about some of the list as you want. For example, in your notes about contact, you can put that you spent 20 minutes sitting on the couch holding hands or you can simply put a check mark indicating that there was physical contact in a positive way.

You can also determine how long you keep track of these occurrences, however I suggest that you spend at least a month doing so. Every couple goes through ups and downs, so observing things under a microscope will need to occur for a length of time for an accurate picture. Here’s the other thing to keep in mind; if you end up with results that yield more of a net negative than a net positive, that does not mean that you should end the relationship right then and there. If you want to see the relationship work, then share your results with your partner. Put the ball in their court, but do so tactfully. I strongly caution against giving ultimatums unless it is absolutely necessary. Saying “If you don’t change this, then I will leave,” is an extreme step to take and in most cases, will result in you having to enforce your statement.

Instead try eliminating finger pointing words when addressing occurrences that hold negative values. Only spend a little time addressing the negative aspects of the relationship by mentioning it once, then following up with positive occurrences, giving praise where praise is due. Begin the next item with something positive again before addressing something negative, followed by another positive. In other words, two positives for every negative.

This brings me to the issue of honesty. I have been told on more than one occasion that I am “too honest” at times. I believe in sharing everything with my partner, even when I know it will be difficult or even cause tension. But I forge ahead regardless to show her that I have the utmost faith in our ability to work through anything and come out the other side stronger than ever. I am curious to hear your thoughts about the level of honesty you feel should be present in your relationship and why. Please leave a comment on here or you can contact me at Always Opening Doors.

Your Worst Enemy

There are many ways in which a person may define a relationship. There are many types of relationships. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines a relationship as:

A kinship

or

A state of affairs existing between those having interactions or dealings

One thing that people often forget to consider is that within any relationship involving two people, there are actually three relationships at work. There is the interaction between the two parties, but there is also the interactions between each party within themselves. To add some illustration, I have come up with the following formula:

He with her + Her with herself + He with himself = Relationship

The previous analogy that I used to describe relationships was that we are all kids playing in a big sandbox with Lego’s. Our lives are the blocks (Lego’s) with which our relationships are built. We have the ability to create any life we want, and have it be complete and satisfying all by itself. In order to obtain something greater than that which we can create ourselves, we build relationships with those around us by sharing our Lego’s. The sum of those Lego’s together is what generates a functional relationship.

So what happens when we don’t have the blocks necessary to build something on our own? If you apply the lack of blocks in a mathematical formula to match the one above, you will be left with an incomplete equation. One that must be solved for X before the relationship (read: equation) works.

He with her + Her with herself + X = Relationship

But even the equation above doesn’t really depict the entirety of the equation. It is much more complex than what is indicated above. Obviously, the sum is affected by the incomplete “he with himself” part of the equation. Because that part of the equation isn’t available, the “he with her” part of the equation is also affected.

Now this is where I am going to piss some people off. I’m sure of it. With the demonstration above as proof, I say that we are our own worst enemy within any relationship. Even relationships in which we are a legitimate victim.

I understand that people who stay in abusive relationships do so because it is a situation in which they feel the most comfortable. That’s not to say that they enjoy the situation or that they deserve any kind of abuse. I am simply saying that, for whatever reason, it is too terrifying to step outside of their comfort zone to remove themselves from a situation that they certainly don’t deserve. They would rather continue to suffer the abuse than to risk something which might be worse.

Now forget the rest of the equation for a moment and focus on the “he with himself” and “her with herself” part of things. To put it even more broadly, “we with ourselves”. That is the focus of this post. Each individual and the relationship that we each have with ourselves. It is the only relationship in our lives that allows us to have 100% control of the outcome of any situation. You can apply any circumstance or situation for the sum of the equation.

Me + myself = Career, or Me + myself = personal life (just to name a couple)

The more focus we put on nurturing the relationship with ourselves, the greater the sum of our lives will be. The more Lego blocks we will have, all to ourselves, with which to build whatever we desire. The more we neglect the relationship with ourselves, we will find that things just don’t add up as we wish.

Below is my Top 15 list of questions that can be modified to fit any situation. Answer these questions, and you will find the tools required to perform the maintenance on the relationship with yourself to keep things running in prime condition. The more work you do on this relationship, the bigger your sum will be.

  • What is it that you love to do?
  • What do you feel that you were born to do?
  • What do you do best?
  • What can you do well, with little effort?
  • In what areas are you naturally strong?
  • What would motivate you to tap into those strengths more often?
  • What skills can help you get to where you want to be in the future?
  • What is something at which you always wanted to be extraordinary?
  • When you die, what is something about which you will feel better knowing you have accomplished?
  • What would you like to do more of in your life?
  • What is about what you already have that is not satisfying?
  • What motivators are missing?
  • What makes you smile?
  • In the areas of your life with which you are satisfied, what has helped you accomplish that satisfaction?
  • Who would you be if you had nothing to prove?

The love that we show ourselves by constantly working on that relationship to obtain our desired results is the single most important aspect of any relationship with another person. The most functional relationships consist of two individuals who are complete and satisfied by themselves who have chosen to share their lives (Lego blocks) with one another to build something bigger. Any dissatisfaction in the relationship with ourselves will affect our relationships with others.

the love we deserve

The message in this post is too great not to share. I recently wrote about taking action because it is not always the thought that counts. She speaks of the different types of love and how the meaning in a biblical sense has been lost. I would tend to agree. While I am not the devoutest of Christians, I do believe in Christian values. It is how I was raised.

My dad was a baptist preacher.

That being said, my central philosophy is always continued courtship. Easily related to taking action as opposed to thinking about taking action. This speaks of loving those around us without knowing them. Again, finding the relation between our posts, consider the stranded motorist. He (or she) is our neighbor. We should love our neighbor. Take action to stop and offer assistance.

There have been horrible stories about those who have stopped to help a complete stranger, only to be thanked at gun or knife point. At best, they lose their money or their car.  Worse still, they survive and lose their faith in humanity. And one cannot say unjustly so. At worst, they lose their life.

As usual, I have no interest in expressing theories about religion. Meaning, I will not sit here and say that if something like that were to happen, then it must have been on God’s time. I lost my sister four years ago. To this day, despite the inspiration she was to all who met her because of her faith, I maintain that she was taken prematurely.

I am selfish. I want her here with me. I’m completely okay with that. But this isn’t about that. It is about sharing a message that spoke to me. It is about a call to action to love those around you. As Cassie says in her post, it is easy to love someone who reciprocates that love. It is easy to love those in whom you have become invested. It is far more difficult to love those whom we don’t know. But wouldn’t we want the same in return? If we were stranded on the side of the highway, wouldn’t we hope for someone to stop and offer assistance?

So if you love someone, tell them. That is all. Pick up the phone, dial the number and say that you love them.

If you are a business professional, call your smallest client – you know, the one who maybe adds $10 a month to your paycheck? Call them and tell them that you appreciate their business. That you love the fact that they have entrusted their needs to you. Trust me, it comes full circle.

the love we deserve.

Distance of the Hearts

We yell b/c there is a distance of the hearts.

In light of the fact that the majority of hits I have gotten on my musings from search engines have been from “arguments”, or some variation of the word, I have decided to break down some of the various aspects of arguing. I do this more as an evaluation of myself than to give the impression that I “know it all.” But, if something I say here is applicable to you – USE IT.

One of the most detrimental actions a person can take in communication with another person is to yell. I, myself, have been guilty of this disrespectful act. I have also been one to research and spout numerous theories about why we yell. I recently read something that, while it may not be 100% accurate, did give me pause.

Why do we yell at a person that is sitting right next to us? Why do we yell when we are angry?

Because we lose our composure – perhaps. Because we feel that we can’t be heard by speaking in a regular tone – sometimes.

How about distance? Definitely. The distance to which I refer has nothing to do with how physically far we are from the person with whom we are speaking. It is a distance of the hearts. In order to try and recover that distance, we yell to be heard. As we get angrier, greater is the distance felt by our hearts.

When a couple is in the throes of seduction, they whisper. Be it the sweet nothings that fill the pit of our stomachs with butterflies or nothing more than a moan, covering our flesh with bumps of geese. Love is best heard in the form of a whisper. Our hearts feel close. There is no distance to cover. As the love continues to grow, the distance becomes even less until both hearts seem to occupy the same space. At last, we do not have to speak. We simply look at each other. We understand. We accept.

The next time you feel like yelling, stop. Take a breath. Clamp your hand over your mouth if need be. Before you say a single word, remind yourself that you love the person in front of you. Then tell them. Just saying the words can have a magnificent change in what you are about to say. More importantly, how you are about to say it. If this proves inadequate, walk away. Take some time to quell the storm raging inside of you.

The purpose of a serious discussion is to make our respective points and to find a resolution. Even if the only resolution to be found is that we are heard. There is no resolution to be found through yelling. It is disrespectful to the person you love. More importantly, it is indicative of the lack of respect that you have for yourself. We all have the capacity to keep our heart close to the one we love. By yelling, we are saying that we lack the capacity, or the desire to do just that.

If speaking in a manner that reduces distance is something that will require practice, write your thoughts down. Let your partner assign your whispering voice to you as they read your words. Whatever it takes, do not yell. It only increases the distance between you.

I will see you back here on Friday. Until then…