Finger Pointing Words

I’ve been to counseling as an individual and counseling as a couple. One of the things that has been repeated over and again, almost like a mantra, is using “I” statements to express how I feel. Maybe I’m just slow. Alright, I know that I’m slow at times. I don’t think that I’m the only one, though, when it comes to understanding what exactly that entails. I have worked with a number of clients that have repeated the same thing; “I know how to communicate. I used “I” statements.”

Good for you. I’ve said the same thing. It wasn’t until I went to a workshop at Sandler Training in Wexford, PA, that I finally grasped the absolute right way to use “I” statements. They put us through an exercise that really opened my eyes to the application of this useful tool. I modified the exercise to be applicable to a situation in which I found myself. I used the same tactic with one of my client couples. At the end of the exercise, both of them just sat there looking at one another. Their communication had reached a new level; the likes of which neither of them had, until that moment, yet experienced.

So what was this mind blowing revelation?

The exercise at Sandler put us in a mock networking event. The rules were simple. Go around the room, talking to people as you would in a real networking event. The only stipulation was that we couldn’t use I, we, us, our or any derivative of those words. We had to talk about ourselves and what we did in an extremely abbreviated fashion. The person who slipped up first had to sit down and was out of the game.

For those of you who know me on a personal level know that I love the sound of my own voice. In other words, I love to talk. As a coach, I am constantly having to remind myself that I have two ears and only one mouth; I should use both proportionately. It should come as no big surprise that I was one of two people left standing when the exercise came to an end. My approach was very simple.

Jeremy Cid. Professional relationship coach and founder of Always Opening Doors.”

Then I would fire off one question after another as they answered the preceding one, always including the word “you”.

What do you do?” “Where did you go to school?” “How long have you been with company Y?”

Having those restrictions placed on my vocabulary that is against everything I have ever learned about communication was, again, one of the most eye opening experiences of my life. Not only on a professional level, but on a personal level as well. Stay with me, I promise I’m getting to the point.

What I learned is that when it comes to communicating with another person about how we feel, it simply is not enough to use “I” statements. The secret, that is so hard to accomplish, is to eliminate common words from our vocabulary. Words like she, you, he, him, her, our and any derivative of the like. This allows for all of the focus to be put on us (the speaker) and our feelings, without placing any focus on the other person, what so ever. We have to refer to the situation itself, excluding any reference to the person who “wronged” us.

When I’m yelled at, it makes me feel like I’m a child being scolded. I don’t feel like I am an equal part of this relationship.”

Apply any situation and any feelings to this and the result is the same; a way of expressing ourselves that allows our partner to see what we’re feeling without having to try and look over that defensive wall that is built as soon as the word you escapes our lips. Even if neither person is in the wrong for anything, eliminating “finger pointing words” opens the door to begin to see how the other person really feels.

As a coach, it is not my responsibility to give my clients the answers. It is my responsibility to ask the questions that will lead the people I am trying to help to find the answers for themselves. I ask the questions that will lead them to setting attainable goals so that they can move forward and achieve the type of relationship they desire. I have challenged myself to stripping the word you, and any of it’s derivatives that places the focus on the other person, from my vocabulary.

While working with a client couple after the workshop, I did the same thing. They were addressing a situation that had occurred a couple of days prior in which neither of them were happy with how they had handled things. When I asked them to recount what happened, both individuals used finger pointing words when talking to me and you when addressing each other. Both of them started getting worked up again and I could see those defensive walls getting higher with every use of she, he or you. Once both of them had finished their sides of the story, I asked them to tell me what happened again, this time, avoiding the use of those finger pointing words. Instead, referring specifically to the situation.

When I’m called a b@#$%, I get angry”

And so the questioning began. I guided them to expressing what they felt and what the results would be if that continued to happen through a series of open ended questions. If either person slipped, I stopped them and asked them to try again. Upon reaching the point of expression where person A had expressed, “When this happens, I feel ___. When I feel ____, I want to ____. If I keep feeling ____, then ___ will happen.”, I would ask the other person how they felt about what they heard.

The result was that one person was able to express that they were scared of being left, so they reacted on that fear. The other person felt as if they weren’t really a part of the relationship, like they were one of the children. I wish that I could express the change in the air around us as the couple heard how the other person really felt. Like I said, they had never experienced that before and both of them sat in stunned silence. A silence that was broken by one of them asking me, “Where were you when I was in therapy?” We all laughed and hugged at their break through. We then had the discussion about what goals they could set for themselves for the week to help keep them moving forward.

I want to close this out by stating that I am not bashing therapy or counseling in any way. I think that it can be extremely beneficial for those who have that specific goal in mind. The goal of dealing with the past. The goal of coaching is not to delve into the past. The goal is to determine how a person can get to where they want to be. It’s about looking forward.

If you would like to learn more about eliminating finger pointing words from your vocabulary, please feel free to contact me at Always Opening Doors. All consultations are free to help you determine if I can be of any assistance to you and/or your partner.

Distance of the Hearts

We yell b/c there is a distance of the hearts.

In light of the fact that the majority of hits I have gotten on my musings from search engines have been from “arguments”, or some variation of the word, I have decided to break down some of the various aspects of arguing. I do this more as an evaluation of myself than to give the impression that I “know it all.” But, if something I say here is applicable to you – USE IT.

One of the most detrimental actions a person can take in communication with another person is to yell. I, myself, have been guilty of this disrespectful act. I have also been one to research and spout numerous theories about why we yell. I recently read something that, while it may not be 100% accurate, did give me pause.

Why do we yell at a person that is sitting right next to us? Why do we yell when we are angry?

Because we lose our composure – perhaps. Because we feel that we can’t be heard by speaking in a regular tone – sometimes.

How about distance? Definitely. The distance to which I refer has nothing to do with how physically far we are from the person with whom we are speaking. It is a distance of the hearts. In order to try and recover that distance, we yell to be heard. As we get angrier, greater is the distance felt by our hearts.

When a couple is in the throes of seduction, they whisper. Be it the sweet nothings that fill the pit of our stomachs with butterflies or nothing more than a moan, covering our flesh with bumps of geese. Love is best heard in the form of a whisper. Our hearts feel close. There is no distance to cover. As the love continues to grow, the distance becomes even less until both hearts seem to occupy the same space. At last, we do not have to speak. We simply look at each other. We understand. We accept.

The next time you feel like yelling, stop. Take a breath. Clamp your hand over your mouth if need be. Before you say a single word, remind yourself that you love the person in front of you. Then tell them. Just saying the words can have a magnificent change in what you are about to say. More importantly, how you are about to say it. If this proves inadequate, walk away. Take some time to quell the storm raging inside of you.

The purpose of a serious discussion is to make our respective points and to find a resolution. Even if the only resolution to be found is that we are heard. There is no resolution to be found through yelling. It is disrespectful to the person you love. More importantly, it is indicative of the lack of respect that you have for yourself. We all have the capacity to keep our heart close to the one we love. By yelling, we are saying that we lack the capacity, or the desire to do just that.

If speaking in a manner that reduces distance is something that will require practice, write your thoughts down. Let your partner assign your whispering voice to you as they read your words. Whatever it takes, do not yell. It only increases the distance between you.

I will see you back here on Friday. Until then…